Another emo rant

Ugh ... I hate having to combine work and family. Whenever you seem to finally get a break, fate comes along and kicks you hard several times in the nuts.

I've talked in the past how I've been a disappointment to my parents due to my "average" academic performance, and now it seems everyone at work seems to be fine with me to my face, and then are talking shit about me behind my back. Hearing back from my own mother about how other people are complaining about my attitude/quality of work recently, I have to come to the conclusion that although they may be right, they could at least tell me to my face. Therefore, if they have to talk shit about me behind my back (and judging by my very raw and recent dressing down by my mother), they have a lot. As Eminem said in one of his earlier songs - "your friends aren't what you think are your friends/they're really your enemies with secret identities" really applies here - substituting friends for coworkers. My boss is a total bitch and control freak - she can do things like put on music that the owner wouldn't like, answers her mobile whenever she wants - all because she's the boss there.

I've copped flak from her earlier this week about improper financial management. Yes, I've been budgeting, and she saw the lists I've been writing down. I have listed down the things I want to buy, (most of which she feels is unnecessary), as well as living expenses.
I have been nothing apparently but a big disappointment to my parents so it seems - academically, I've underperformed (I even have to forge my results so that I could lie and make them happy so I don't get the whole you did shit, you must try harder and we are going to make your life more miserable to make you study better - such a great guy, aren't I *sarcasm*), recently, people have found warrant to talk shit about me behind my back, and this whole getting a car thing is really stressing me out.
Firstly, I have to return the current car I'm driving, which creates a need for a car of my own to get around in. Since I only have a little bit to spare (I've only started saving recently) at the moment, my mum has been just lecturing me again and agian and doing the whole loudly complaining to herself thing about my "profligate spending" and how my hobbies won't feed me. Then there's my dad being fussy about getting the car - it has to be a recent year, it has to have low kms, it has to be something he considers masculine/classy (which changes everyday - goddamn it), and obviously, it has to have a good price. My mum is even worse - it has to be as cheap as possible, the fucking tightass.

She lectures me about not telling her when I'm going out to a friend's or how long I'm staying. I'm twenty fucking years old! I can look after myself! I don't need to inform her of every single fucking movement I make! Do I have to tell her if I need to fart or go to the toilet to take a piss?!
And then she goes on about how I stay up late. Again, I'm twenty years old! I have become acclimatised to not sleeping before midnight! And I like it that way! She won't be able to change it unless she really forced it.

All this brings up to the surface questions of my own inadequacy. What is it that I'm good at? Writing fiction (and even then, not good enough for an author). What else, in a practical sense? I'm still physically weak, I'm fat, and said mother says a lot but does nothing to stop it - keeps buying sweet foods for "others," despite the fact she knows that I will eat it - like she medicates me with food.
I don't go out much, my university "friends (enemies with secret identities)" regard me more as an unwelcome outsider at worst, or at best, "that nerdy guy who's always hanging around us, let's freeze him out of our activities." My high school friends are all far away in different universities (or hard to get into contact with), and my online friends ... well what can they do but talk to me? It's not like I can go out on the town with a buddy from MSN.
I wonder what am I to do? I'm trapped here until I find another good-paying job (which will be hard), and a car, and have amassed some money. I have just spent a good fifteen to twenty minutes screaming into a pillow and crying - just what kind of choice and control do I have? I have to be what my parents want me to be, I have to do what they say or think (even if it is unspoken), and even my own room is not safe - they can invade it whenever they feel like it, because it costs too much to get a lock.

Obviously, at the moment, thoughts of suicide are flowing through my head, but I know I won't go through with it, because it's just an impulse, and I have so much more I want to do - reinvent myself, become a ladies' man who can get girls eating out of my hand, I want to get a girlfriend, go down to Glenelg with said girlfriend and watch the sunset on the beach in the summer, I want to travel to Japan, sample the girls there, live overseas/interstate for a few months or years, travel the world, climb Mount Kilimanjaro, I have many things I'd like to do, so I wouldn't want to off myself in the prime of my life.

But just what can I do at the moment?